I like to Write: Emma's POV

A week later I am coming out of a meeting when I spot Eric in the lobby. I haven’t spoken to him since high school. He came to Jacob's defense right before I left. He told me a little about that night. He wanted to apologize for encouraging Jacob to drink so much. He took the blame for everything. He's always been a good friend of Jacob's and I am thankful he had someone to help him when he was learning to be a dad. 

I smile as we make eye contact. I am guessing he's here to defend his best friend again. He stands from his seat and comes over to me. "Boy am I glad to see you. I wasn’t sure where to find you and my good looks didn’t work with the receptionist." He laughs. "Can we have lunch?" His eyebrows shoot up as he asks the question. 

"Sure, come with me to my hole in the wall first so I can get my purse." He follows me to the elevator. We go up to the fifth floor to my little space. I am kinda nervous not making him wait in the lobby, I am giving him more answers to give to Jacob. He'll know exactly where to find me if he chooses. I have a text and a voicemail, both from Stephen. He wants to me to come over tonight, his meetings are running long and no time to chat until then. Eric acts like he couldn’t hear the voicemail as it played but I can tell he heard. 

"So lunch huh?" I finally break the ice.

"Yea, long overdue don't ya think?" He's always been easy going, funny, and loyal to a fault. 

We cross the street to the deli and get a table. 

"Ok, sooo we haven't had a chat in 5 years, I have a yelling match with Jake last week and you show up again. What's up?" I begin eating my sandwich. I know he's going to make me lose my appetite, I need to eat before that happens. I have at least 6 more hours at work. 

"The lawyer, that serious?" What is up with their obsession with Stephen? I dated casually all through college, where were they then? 

"Yea you could say that. We've been dating almost a year, since I got the job. Jacob send you? Is he okay?" I worry about him even though I don’t see why I should. 

"He doesn’t have a clue I am here. He's fine. He's in a 'I love this girl who hates me' daze but he's fine." My stomach starts churning. I knew he was going to make me feel horrible.
"Listen, he told me about the talk. Sounded intense. But I am glad you all got it out, it was a long time coming. He was stupid but I already told you that was my fault. Egging him on, making him think you didn’t want him so that he would see how awesome single life was. He got roped into all that because I was a dick." His eyes are so sincere. I know he believes this should all be on him. 

"Eric what do you want me to do? We just aren't made for each other. We are still in two different spots in life. He needs to focus on his family, " he leans in and looks around and says "I believe that family is you. He needs to focus on you. He focused on Ethan this week, tomorrow he goes back to his witch of a mother. Go see him. Look in his eyes and then tell yourself that it’s over."

I Like Writing:: Jacob's POV

 

A month has gone by and I am finally back in to see this fancy lawyer my mother insisted I hire. He is expensive but supposedly the best in the area. How my mother knew about him, no clue, but she says he comes highly recommended. I bought a suit and tie just for this meeting, I pray I don't have to go to court. Shelly said she would sign the paperwork but when it is finally there in front of her, I don't know what she'll do. 

It's a fancy building, lots of floors, I make my way to the 8th, where this Stephen guy is. I let his secretary know I am here and wait. Hands sweaty, heart rate up, yep that's me. I just want this meeting over. He keeps asking questions and I keep answering as best as I can. I should have brought Shelly and just had her sign as much as she could here. He's talking about meditation and counseling, all I want is a damn divorce. 

He finally has me sign the paperwork saying I will pay him and that Shelly will be served with the paperwork. I am walking down the hallway towards the elevator when I hear that laugh. That laugh that belongs to my girl. I turn quickly and walk the opposite direction but don't see anyone. Damn, I do this to myself all the time. Five years and I just can't let her go. 

I pick Ethan up from Shelly and go to my small apartment that is above my mom's garage. Lame, I know but I am not paying rent. I want a house. A house that Ethan can live in on his days with me and be comfortable. I know he doesn't really care where he lives but I want something worthy of this innocent kid. 

It's midnight and here I am again torturing myself. Looking up all her social media accounts, all private, I can’t see a damn thing but a few pictures but I love when there's a new one to see. It's something I do very couple of months. It was worse when she was in college, tagged in pictures that for whatever reason I could see, she got to have her life. She was at parties, football games, and on campus while I was helping my wife raise our son. This is all my fault yet I still yearn for it to be fixed. I keep waiting for the day I see a guy or an announcement.

I Like to Write:: Odd Man Out

I think I have felt like the odd man out since about 8 years old. I always felt like i didn't belong. I always felt like something was always off. I never gelled with the family. I always sat back and watched how they could be laughing and joking but I was just never included. Sometimes I just didn't want to be but others I think it was more of I thought of things differently. This made me different, and it seems in this family, different is bad. You cannot think for yourself, you cannot think opposite, and you cannot decide how to live. It always just seemed off. 

Now almost 40 that odd man feeling is greater than it ever has been. I am living a life I never thought I would be worthy of having. I have a wonderful husband and sour patch kids. I have a few friends that have really let me lean on them lately. I recently visited with family and it felt so off. Like no one wanted me there. The sad thing is that this is normal, I visit and I talk because that is what is expected of me, whats sad is everything that comes out of my mouth is carried to someone else. Everything that is said is analyzed to make me the bad person. Everything is twisted so I am this horrible person. And now I think I am just done. I hate to say it but you really need to look out for yourself and your family. 

I have one more visit that is obligated, a quick visit and then I can wash my hands of them and the feelings I have held in since I was 14. When I felt like I had to more the adult than the kid. When I had to make sure everyone got home, and then up for school. When I knew that whatever I did for the family, it would never be good enough. At least then when I open my mouth, I know it wont be passed on to the next person or made fun of because I think or live differently. At least then I can live with some peace. At least then I can move on and stop worrying that I will never be good enough. 

Its horrible to be surrounded by people who have no clue your struggles, who don't care about your struggles, and who think you have zero struggles. I am tired of them having some kind of hold over my thoughts. I am just tired of the feeling that I need their approval. I don't and I am tired of asking for it silently only to be ridiculed for being me. I am good enough. Just not to them.  

I Like to Write:: A Family Divided

It's been a year and the family still isn't right. The divide to bigger than ever. Thanksgiving and Christmas were off, missing a few key members, and my mother didn't even blink at NOT having an Easter dinner. This holiday is always a little sadder because it was my grandmothers favorite but it always has been done to kinda remember her also. Easter was always a little bit of a big deal going to moms. It has been weird. I still think what happened was wrong. It was handled wrong, words were said that can never be taken back. Now a person who I believe fabricated for own self gain and now it cannot be corrected. But who is suffering because of this family tension, my children. There has always been an unspoken favorite within but at least my children were welcome and visited often. Now it feels wrong, like just because the one family is no longer visiting that no one should visit. My mother is bending over backwards to even be able to see her grandchildren. And I still have a sister who believes that this family has done nothing for her so she doesn't need us. My mother all along has been right beside her: groceries, childcare, a practically new living room suit, and maybe I am not seeing something but there is a lot of angry coming from my sister for some reason....almost like a build up that finally reached the surface. 

I don't believe we were ever the closest but we were still in each other's lives. Now we are going months without communicating because it's easier to ignore than deal. Because right now it's still raw. I still have lots I would love to say but feel like it would make it worse, I still have a lot to confront but what good would it do. Who suffers the children, because grandparents are important. And one day these kids will be older and their grandparents will be gone and they will have zero memories. As one now almost 40 that looks back and only has memories until about age 12 with her own grandmother I wish I had more. However that situation was nearly the same, a grandmother with a favorite that really didn't try to communicate with more of her grandchildren. Didn't take the time to get to know us as individuals and now there is no relationship. And the grandmother that adored us all, we lost so early that she never got to enjoy these kids we now have. I never thought I would see a manipulation in a relationship so strong that it would distance a family to live in a bubble. What happens when you don't allow anyone within that bubble and then when that bubble explodes, there is no one there waiting anymore. I have always heard of those mentally abusive relationships but I didn't think I had witnessed one, but in reality I have watched it grow for nearly 20 years. I just didn't see it. 

The pain on my mother's face when she speaks about having to go a further distance just to get some leeway to see her grandkids, to spend time with daughter, it just breaks me. It's not lack of trying, but a lack of forgiveness and a lack of loyalty. How long until she stops trying and just gives up? How long until none of us are involved any longer because the person dealing out this mental abuse cuts that cord also. I am lectured too much about my stubborn or mean ways but in all honesty it's really the other way around and it's finally being seen. The person that has played the victim all these years are finally being seen as the attacker. The bully. The one that has created issues but was always coddled. Responsibility was never taken and always put blame on others. That is who we are dealing with. That is why that bridge will remain broken, unable to be crossed. It's sad. 

Our time of togetherness is gone. We are a family divided, something I never thought would happen. I always thought we would fight and make up, but I believe that everything that has happened over the past year will never heal. I will always feel uncomfortable around that family, always watch my words, and always make sure I never do or say anything that this manipulator can use against me to make me lose them forever like my mom has. Because they visit and they text but we all know its not the same and we all know eventually it will stop. 

And one day she will be gone, and all these trivial issues will come to head again I am sure.  

 

I Like To Write:: Randoms thoughts...some personalities can suck.....

When 2 become 1. Ever witnessed this? I really didn't pay attention to it until recently. Like everything else now, I am going to blame my age. I seem to pay attention to pattern behavior or different phrases repeated by people more now. One that I have seen more at this age is my friends disappearing and sounding more like their partner. The once fierce, independent, and mouthy friend is now repeating what you hear out the partners mouth more and more. I understand being with someone for so long you become dependent, you are together with like minds, and you are living a life together. I just don't know when we lose ourselves. 

And sometimes that friend is with someone who is a horrible selfish human being and next thing you know that friend is lost because she/he is also showing those horrible selfish traits. It just seems to be happening too often now, no one is friendly, no one is concerned, and no one cares. They are in this for themselves and the heck with anyone else. I don't even know where I am going with this, just a random thought based on a real life experience. Sometimes it just gets to be too much when you are used and abused but not thought of when you need a little help. But here I am always there for the 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th chance trying to see if that person does different. 

I Like to Write:: When It Gets Tough, Pray Harder

I'm trying. Lord knows I am trying. We have been hit with a 180 degree spin at work. We have had our schedules and lives uprooted over a control issue. I am thankful that for once my schedule wasn't messed with however lots of my friends have been burned. Single moms are being forced to choose between work and home life. Kids will be wondering why mom is more stressed out. I am letting out my frustrations as minimal as I know how, but my face doesn't lie. Nothing about work right now is a happy time. They believe that this is how they will get higher production. They believe that this is how they will get their next promotion. They move on and go to other 'station' while here we are in good ole WV still living, still working, and still trying to take care of our families. We are and have been here for 15 years taking care of these men and women. We have gone through several commands, several leaders, and many changes, each one has their own way of doing things, and we conform. 

We are tired of conforming. It has come to a head. The floor has been quiet. The floor has been stuck to themselves. The floor has been confused. No reasoning, no explanation, and no communication....surprise surprise there. The only thing keeping me calm is coming home. I figure its only a matter of time before we are back 5 days a week. Who cares about the time, its the way its been handled. We are to just accept it and move on. 

Adult life stinks sometimes but reading some key verses and being with my family has always helped. 

I Like to Write:: Black Sheep or Unique

Every time I leave a 'family' visit, it makes me wonder, how did I come to be a part of this family? Yes we are supposed to be different, yes we are all our own person, but how come I feel loner leaving than before I got there? We are so out of touch with each other. We straight up don't care. You can tell. No one is really interested in what the other is doing. We just go through the motions of the visit. We do it for Dad. 

I often wonder what will happen when Dad is gone. Will I have any relationship with my siblings? I guess only time will tell. Sometimes I wonder if that will be a good thing. I can live my life the way I want to without feeling like I am doing something wrong. Both siblings like to preach no judgement, be friends to all, and make remarks when a judgement will occur, when in fact every time I am around I am judged. I am judged by how I am living, raising my family, and what we do as a family. 

Our beliefs are a big issue. We are faithful church goers, I am a children's director, and we are heavily involved with many activities. Just today my oldest brought up paperwork for a missions trip she is interested in, NO ONE else was. No one asked her about it once she stated it was for the church. No one cared that she is willing to give up her entire spring break to help another group. 

I always question why we even bothered to go down, why did we even try to share our lives, and I know it's because of my dad. We get to catch up and he talks about work and life. I just hate how the whole family feels when they get in the car. Like a weight was taken off their shoulders and now they can breath. I want to blame it on politics or covid, but really we've been different for a long time, we've just ignored it. Now it has finally came to light where ignoring it just can't be done. I guess I can blame politics a little, they started treating me and my kids like trash when we didn't agree and easily began badgering us over not liking certain political figures. We sucked it up as best as we could until one day I got home and the emotions just over came and I couldn't take it any longer. 

It just boggles my mind that the same people that preach love ALL, do not judge ALL, are always judging my family and judging it very openly. It's no secret they don't agree with us going to church, following the red wave, or that we do not agree with everything going on in the world right now.  My kids feel it, which is sad at their young ages its easy for them to trust and love and they feel like they are not loved and that they are always being put on the spot when they talk about their believes. They get angry and discouraged. I just don't know how much more or how much longer we can keep our shoulders square enough to hold this load. 

Today in particular, I just don't feel like I belong. I keep stuff from them so I don't feel bullied or pressured into feeling another way. I keep stuff from them so that my kids don't have to ask me in the car why someone is always so mean to me. I keep stuff from them so that I can sleep at night knowing that we have a large family back here that loves us and cares for us. It just makes life easier. I have battled depression episodes for a long time, since I was a teenager and thought those evil thoughts that I didn't need to be around because no one would miss me. Well now I do have people that would miss me and those episodes still do come but they are easier to dig out of. I don't think I will ever live up to the standard they have set, I don't think they want me to because it's easier to make fun of someone than to compliment them. It's easier to talk about someone else's faults than your own. And it does nothing but drive that wedge further and further apart until that person just disappears from your life. At my age I am there, they aren't good mentally and they aren't good for mentors for my children. 

Today was just a bad day, maybe next time will be better. (This is always the phrase)

I Like Writing:: Death and Divorce..the Thoughts that come...

So I have many friends in different stages of life. I have younger friends and older friends. My husband's family is very large and many of his 2nd and 3rd cousins have become some really close people and some mentors in my life. They have really helped me grow with my faith along with helping with my children. With the tragedy of the last 2 years, I have friends who have lost siblings, spouses, and parents. Many to that awful virus, and some to just illnesses that they couldn't fight. Death seems to be surrounding me more at this age. The uncertain of life. However with our faith, we know this isn't a goodbye just a see you soon. We know that we won't be away from each other long. We know that death is expected even when it's unexpected as some has been, you have remember that He is waiting at the pearly golden gates for us. 

This past month a friend's husband returned home after battling that virus for months and this past week a friend said goodbye to her husband after battling that virus. You just don't know how your body will fight and how bad the virus will attack. This right here has me thinking. How do you dedicate your life to one being only to be left alone at the end? It's hard. Widow isn't really an attractive term. Then I went from widow to divorce. I have witnessed numerous divorces and almost divorces since I got married. I guess when that happens, you have to know that you won't be there for them when they are battling an illness, or old and it's their time. 

I know during marriage we all have our moments, those moments when you question is this marriage for you. But mostly always the answer is, it's a bump and yes you love this person. I know for myself the question is always, could I live without him? No, but ultimately I know there may be a time when I have to. It scares the crap out of me. 

Whenever I am faced with this reality, it's just a whirlwind of thoughts and fears. Also a lot of prayer for those that have lost. How are they able to get up knowing that the morning routine with their loved one is gone? How do they sit at family events not breaking inside? Support and love. Shower your friends and family with love. Ask how they are doing. Show up with drinks and dinner. Don't give up when they want to. And those that are divorcing or maybe questioning their marriage...be an ear, be a friend, and support them through a very hard decision. 

I Like to Write:: Siblings and TV Shows

So I am at an age where life is good. AND messy sometimes. But whose isn't. I don't watch a lot a of television, shocker with the amount of reviews I can write in a week. Buuuuutttt I do have guilty pleasure for those awesome family shows. You know the ones that show a dysfunctional family but they seem to all get along. They are at each other's houses all the time. They just have this kumbaya within the family structure. I know family sucks sometimes but really growing up I thought I would have a different relationship with my siblings. We have never been close. I had to grow up early. My sisters both lived care free lives during their teenage years. They came and went, while I was home making sure they got into bed, the door got locked, and they got to school. Teenage life didnt really exist for me. I had the high school boyfriend, I had the friend issues, and I had the part time job, but at home I always felt like I was out of the circle. 

I always felt like the butt of their jokes and their lives because they lived a very different one than I did. They don't even realize how different it was because we were not close. As we grew and became adults and mothers, they relationships changed. We weren't super close but we were closer than we ever had been before. My late 20's I actually felt like I had siblings. I was able to share mom life. But now in my late 30s I am more alone than ever within my immediate family. It's like we weren't even raised by the same people. How do 3 kids raised by the same people become so different? You'd think we were raised in different areas of the country and got meshed together by chance. Conversations are awkward, they are pushed. Conversations are surface level. No one cares. 

So back to topic, I am watching these shows, siblings sharing brunches, talking about relationships, and talking about real topics. I know it's tv, but I know families that are like this. I know families that are connected and communicating. Then I have a visit with mine and we talk about nothing. Sometimes I wonder why do we even visit? Other than it's habit. I feel worse for my kids. Their aunts and uncles don't know them, don't put any effort in knowing them, and they are at an age where they know they are not important. 

I am thankful for my in-laws and my husbands family. They have cousins and family that ask important questions, take an interest in their activities and thoughts, and hopefully have someone they know they can go to if they aren't comfortable talking to me. It's just been bothering me. It can go months without talking to my sister and as much as I miss her, she is exhausting. When views (personal and political), parenting, and lifestyles (especially religious) are as different as night and day, its hard to find middle ground.  

I have one sibling who isn't really in tune with one parent and the whole dynamic has changed. I believe that is what has everything shifted right now with my feelings. We are a family divided. We are a family that used to have the big conversations and make up, that now doesn't even knowledge there are issues. It's terrible to not want to be around people who ultimately make you miserable and feel horrible when you feel you are doing life well. It's toxic. 

And I just don't know what to do anymore. I am almost 40 and tired of trying. It's sad. Every study I do, every verse I read, every conversation I have with a friend tells me to continue trying, to bridge that gap. But is the gap too far? Is there no coming back? I don't know the right answer. I just know I don't like hearing my kids wondering if they are important or loved. I am tired of empty conversations. I have always been the odd ball out when it comes to this family but more than ever I feel like I may belong and trying just doesn't matter at this point. 

Maybe I should be thankful, I am a person who doesn't do a lot of people, I don't do crowds, and I can go days at home without company and be content. I am just fearful that when my parents are gone, so will my siblings. 

I Like to Write:: A Sham of A Day

 

I have been sitting here all day pondering this day. Its a sham. Really. It is. A full day to show your love and admiration to the love of your life. Billions of dollars spent by women and men to shower the loved ones with chocolate and roses. Kids all over showing up to school with candies and gifts for their friends. The whole idea isn't bad. It's a sweet day. Literally, I have eaten my weight in chocolate today. But seriously do men really wait until this day to send a card, flowers, or a little note saying "You are my one and only"? 

I believe in showing your love every day. I believe in showing your children that you appreciate and respect your love every day. I believe that this day just makes you have expectations that won't happen and then when you know they aren't you're upset. Why? Because you are watching what everyone wants you to see on social media. You're seeing the sweetness, the flowers, and the proclamations of love.  

If you don't have a man that has that romance bone this day can make you think. It can make you want something that you know he isn't capable of and it can make you expect something you know won't happen. If you don't expect it the other 364 days of the year, why do we expect it this one? Who knows. Women are complicated. We say we don't like it, don't want it, but really that small gesture is what we want. To know that you are wanted. To know that you are appreciated. Women..moms..often feel that they give and give and really don't get. This day you are to not feel like the MOM and be the WIFE/GIRLFRIEND. But how do men separate that? It's got to be hard. Life often gets in the way of a special day. It comes and goes and you are just thankful for bedtime. 

We need to be more appreciative of those small gestures and not be mad when one day of the year feels like every other day of the year. We should enjoy when he brings home a coffee or a tub of ice cream because he thought of you. We need to love when you're sharing the day and the laughter is there. We need to love the silence of just sitting together after the kids are in bed. It's these little things that seem to be forgotten on THIS DAY. THIS marketed targeted day. 

So love on your husband/boyfriend and celebrate him 365 not 1. Enjoy the company of the one that makes the heart grow and the laughter bubble.  

I Like To Write:: Have I Mastered the Art of Living? Probably Not.

Ever feel like this quote is a slap in the face. Like seriously, I know you can give and give and most of the time you don't even think about the 'expecting anything back' but dang it sometimes you want something back. I have always had a small circle and sometimes I think of making it even smaller. 

I just hate being felt like I am being taken advantage of or just not thought about. Its hard to balance how much you do for others when it just isn't brought back to you. It really is a bother when you think so much of others and when it comes down to it, you really aren't on their radar of being thought of from them. Make sense? Maybe not, I am rambling, but these thoughts just run through my head sometimes. I have been able to count on one person this past year out of the household. Thankfully we care about each others kids as our own and we make sure they are taken care of. We are checking on each other's mental health and doing little things that don't seem like much but mean a lot. 

I won't stop reaching out and helping, I won't stop offering, and I won't stop being me, but when did people just stop caring. Maybe they never cared and I am just getting it. I was taken advantage of hard one time and it just seems like I never learn. People have selfish natures, heck there are times I myself am very selfish, but I would never allow someone to keep doing for me without feeling like I should pay them back somehow, even with a simple Thank You. 

I don't know I am just over people. People who will take and take, and expect you to always be there to help but don't seem to see that sometimes you need some help also. But with the above quote, I will try to remember that I am the one that chooses to help, I am the one that doesn't say no, and I need to remember that I shouldn't expect anything in return. Just doing what is right in my heart is what I should be doing. 

 

I Like to Write:: Stupid Schedules

Ok, life as a fightfighter wife is hard. Wife to any first responder or military is hard. We are on our own lot, we raise kids on our own, we keep stresses to ourselves to not put more on him. We are taking kids here and there and planning meals and then the dreaded sleep pattern of life without him. I know women who sleep just great without their man beside them and then there's women like me who sometimes sleep great and sometimes I can go most of the night up. 

What stinks is this time of year. Our husbands are on duty no matter if Santa is arriving or not. He is on duty whether or not the New Year Ball drops or not. He has to be there. There is nothing we can do about it but keep our fingers crossed he has enough seniority that he can get off that day or this day. You cross your fingers someone young without a family or someone older who has been there and done this will hold over and allow our guys to be home. 

As my kids are getting older and priorities change, I have to say though its not really Christmas that has ever bothered me. With his schedule we have gotten lucky, Christmas day he has always been home, but he has worked many Christmas Eve's. Those evenings are spent with family, taking care of the cookies for Santa, hiding that elf until next year, and setting out the gifts. I have always done all this with little help anyways, Christmas is all me. I love Christmas, the magic, the cold, and the whole love of the entire season. Soon it will be his turn to stay for the young families and make sure their kids are taken care of.

No, no this year I am really bothered with him working New Years Eve. We have spent 3 out of the last 5 apart because of his schedule. We have spent many more before that apart. It seems like his shift is ALWAYS on for the 31st. Even if we are asleep by midnight, I just like beginning the new year with my other half. It has always bothered me knowing he is in town working while I am home when the clock strikes to a new year. I honestly think that I would trade anyone their Christmas Day for New Years Eve. We do nothing special, sometimes we celebrate with friends, sometimes we are asleep, and sometimes we are just watching tv in bed, but we are together. 

So this year we will begin our new year after his shift is done, we will take the tree down, and begin all of our new years resolutions. I have enjoyed this long extended break and I am making the best of all this time together. I just, I am just having a lot of issues with the schedule this year. I don't know if it's my age, or what but I would love to just ring in the new year with my husband. 

 

I Like to Write:: 2021 was just WEIRD!

So anyone else just think that 2021 was weird. Like 2020 was messed up, like not seeing people, stores closed, couldn't work in the building, it was a mess BUT we got over it. Everything slowly opened back up, we went back to work, and we were just a little more cautious. 

2021, what can I say? You sucked. Everyone just seemed in a daze. Time slowed down for sure, you didn't see people that you normally saw and the division just got larger. People are divided over the masks, vaccine, there are people back full time in office, people still at home, kids are being punished with numbers from adults, remarkable fast tracking of medicines and injections without much data. Its been so much more of a mess than 2020. Its just been off. The whole year has been like an off day, however that off day has continued for almost 365 of them. 

I am over politics making people so angry they just stop being the humans you know they can be. I am tired of people actually thinking they have the right to know your 'status' of injection or not. I am over people all together, there is so much over reach, so much meanness, and so much disregard to others. People are just rude. 

Mental health, why doesn't this country really sincerely care about it? They talk a big game, every celebrity will come forward asking YOU to give money for an organization OR ask YOU to be nice to others. However when looking on social media AKA the Devil, you see all the evil in the word at your finger tips. Tik Tok is actually causing destruction of property and challenges that could potentially kill yourself or others and its still available. Twitter is just a big dysfunctional family type setting, arguing amongst politicians, celebrities, and just your average Joes. Facebook is censoring you even when you aren't aware and keeping tabs on all your activity. Snapchat is a wonderful way to hide anything with it disappearing once sent. And instagram....well I like this....pictures.....maybe some drama in the comments but its pictures of life and usually at least on my feed happy lives.   

Why doesn't this country and the medical community make it better on those who need the help? Why are suicides up, domestic violence is up, and kids at home alone up...its all going to hell in a basket and no one seems to care. BUUUUUTTTTT make sure you have your mask on and you get that awful injection. YEP I SAID IT. I am so over the big stuff going to the back burner and we are seriously worried if you are breathing on someone else. Sorry but the close talkers were always a bother, you are always moving back, no one is in your face unless you want them in your face, I am still giving hugs and kissing others on the cheek if saying goodbye, and I am sharing a bed with my husband without a mask. 

Six months ago, I decided I needed to stay more aware of my mental health and a few others in my life. I needed to do those check ups. I needed to send that text. We can be the change. We don't have to allow the media, social, print, or paper to drag us down a hole. I have lots of plans for 2022 and I hope that I am able to keep the timelines up and to keep going. I will not be stopped by fear. 

I am just hoping 2022 isn't really back to normal per say, but just not weird. I hope people find themselves because I think we all got a little lost. I think we all just got so consumed with ourselves and so deep into all the stories and rumors.  So here's to strong friendships, many family functions, and many laughs. 

I Like to Write:: Life When Its Hard

Sitting here pondering. Seems like there is a lot of time for that these days. Thinking about the people in my life that I thought were solid. They were my go to for venting, celebrating, and thoughts. Well I seem to have been wrong. I haven't heard from a few of those people since this whole stay at home stuff has started. The conversations are generic at best. It just utterly amazes me how people will expect favors, ask for favors, and then when its time they could pay back they are MIA. When you go out of your way to help someone and then when need is expected its crickets. I guess its time to try to stop expecting something different. Its been the same for years the giving and the taking. Although I really always hope that something will give and it will be sent back the other way. 

Then I have my friends that are there. God I have needed them. Those friends, I am thankful for. I have those that are letting me vent, offering to help when its needed, and trying to make me understand I am not in this alone. My boss, God love her, she has listened to me bitch and complain about everything and still has the professionalism to continue our work relationship like nothing was said. She allows me to say what I need from the heart and I am sure she is reading my emails or texts with a smile on her face, shaking her head, and then sends me something to let me know she understands but her hands are tied. 

But here I am again, questioning why people don't think of others, why people will kick everyone out of their boat but beg them to come back once it's convenient for them. When you are in need and the person you thought would step up to help backs off and disappears and someone you didn't think would be around is the most helpful person in your life right now. When the back is weak its nice to have someone lift you up. As a married woman I depend on my husband during all times but sometimes a woman's point of view is what you need, someone that is just as emotional as you, someone that feels or see things the way you do. Men and women's perspectives are so different. But I am so very thankful for those women that are in my life and have been my sounding board through all this chaos. 

I Like To Write:: I'm allowed a moment right? Maybe?!

So for the past 2 weeks our schools have been shut down, businesses are slowly shutting down, roadways are bare. Today, I had my fill and I allowed my kids to not worry about their distant learning plan and to play or watch videos while I had a mini break down. How am I going to have enough leave for April thru August of no school. We have no sitter and that's for a good reason. Last year we survived the summer without one. My work thankfully allows me to flex my schedule so that I am able to be home in the evenings for bus duty. My husband is working one of the jobs that has him in direct contact with patients. Patients carrying what, we don't know, but he's still coming home and into the house so I am happy. I am fighting with work to allow me home on the days he is at work at least until this social distancing plan is over to try to save leave. My dad is up for surgery sometime in the summer and he'll need care for at least a week. I haven't seen my sisters and as much as they irk me sometimes, I am missing them something fierce.
So today, I broke. My husband went to work, I sat on the couch until I had had my limit and I excused myself to the bathroom. A very good friend of mine let me bug her texting like crazy until it was all out while I cried my heart out.
After 20 minutes of self loathing, I picked myself up, thanked my friend for her ears and started the dishwasher. My kids, thankfully, don't know and don't need to know. Why do parents feel the need to put their stress on their kids anyways?
Ever wonder why we have so many kids who are all into their feelings, stressed out, and need to be in the guidance counselors office all day? Because parents put too much on their shoulders. My kids without even knowing it made the day a little better with hugs and not fighting. My husband, he knows I had a stressed day but do I really need to put this on him either? Some might think so, but me, not me, because he knows I have had rough days, he knows what I am stressing about. I actually freak out better with him gone, I can do it get it over with and move on. I seriously think he's had his fill, he's stressed too trying not to get coughed on or spit on so he has a better chance of not getting sick. So am I allowed to have a moment? I think so. I think I needed today. I needed to be able to get stuck in my head, cry, and plan. My husband is very aware of my plans, my kids know I am home when I need to be, and my family thinks all is well because of my job. I'm thankful for the few people I have really leaned on these past few days so I can vent and be angry.
Now, now its time to do the moving on part. I need to return to work, I need to calculate my leave and count his days of work. I need to keep my mouth shut and work without argument or a smart ass comment. Now is the time to sit in my cube with my earbuds in and ignore the outside. I know it won't be easy but I have a month maybe two of this social distancing and I will be able to hopefully get a little normal back into my routine. My kids have school work to get done, zoom meetings, and hopefully lots of positive family time. I need to pray none of us get sick. I need to lean on Him during these times when I don't so much. When I forget there is someone out there to talk to besides myself. 

I Like to Write:: Times Like These

Times Like These:
I wish I worked harder to promote my blog
I wish I already had a job that allowed me to work from home
I wish I was established enough reviewing to make a little money from it
I wish I had more followers and sponsors
I wish I could write all the ideas into my head for great books and they actually sold
I wish I could support my family in a better way instead of depending on a company that doesn't care
I wish I could spend all day writing instead of working at a desk for someone else
I wish I could spend all day reading great books from great authors
I wish I could have a more flexible means to support my family
I wish I could be independently wealthy enough to not worry during times like these

All good thoughts. All good wishes. I love my job and time away from the house. I love that I am educated enough to have a job that pays me well. I love my immediate supervisor and her support. However right now I am angry. Angry over the fact that I am going to an unclean building, to an unclean cubical (until I clean it), and have to breath the air of people who may not be showing symptoms but could easily have this dangerous lung eating disease.

I love my blog, sometimes I wish I spent more time working to promote it. What would it be like to have thousands of people waiting for me to post? What would it be like to have these great ideas and thoughts that just flow out? What would it be like to make a living just writing your thoughts, opinions, and the reviews. I will never know. I do know though that I will never allow myself to make the company I work for make me feel worthless. I will not give them that power. I am frustrated. Frustrated over the fact that everyone is using the word 'flexible' except my company. I am just hearing 'no, no, no'. I am flabbergasted over the fact that small mom and pop shops are caring for their employees and have means to work from home when we are all in limbo right now. How can a country that prides itself on being the best at everything always seem to fail their people?

I am not the greatest with words. I keep thinking maybe someday someone will read this and think, man she is a great writer, why doesn't she do this full time? Then I think man, full time with my thoughts, really? I love that I have an outlet though. Maybe no one will ever read this, but my words are out of my system. My thoughts are running on this page and running out of my head. Maybe that will help me sleep. Maybe I won't go into work and be a complete bitch. One way or another, I still have to go, still do the career I love doing even if the people above me don't think it's important to stay home for the time being. I am essential. At least that's what I am being told. 

I Like to Write:: Apple Watches

I have been thinking about this for months now and now that conversation is so distracted, it just got to the point where it needed to written down. Apple watch wearers are a pain to have a conversation with and are rude as hell. When sitting and talking, having a serious conversation, your heart bleeding with emotion and they look down at their watch. See they think they aren't being rude because they aren't looking at that phone, they phone isn't in their hands, and the phone isn't lit up, but its there, they are reading something while you are trying to talk to them. Why? Why the technology? Why can't you just talk to someone. Now they don't even need the phone beside them, nope whether you are in your cube at work, outside in the yard, or having a fun girls day, that phone is now attached to their wrist. The biggest annoyance has to be when they start a conversation with you, you didn't seek out this time together, but the wrist is filled to be looked at 100 times, WHY did you want to talk?

How can we teach our kids not to be rude when we are surrounded by adults that are every day? I hate having a conversation with a distracted person, I try to give someone my full attention and the older I get the more aware I am of the distraction of this world now.

I don't know what spurred this rant, but it's been on my mind for a while. I think I just get tired of no eye contact, a head nod, or just plan reading their watch and not even engaged in the conversation yet. Self Isolation at this point is easy because most people get on my nerves. 

I Like to Write:: Judge Much?!?

I've been thinking about this for a while. I really only have 2 people that call me out on my mouth. But then I was thinking most of the time it comes off as judgement when I am really in awe of the person talking. I just can't believe what they are telling me and my reaction comes out as judgmental. Over the weekend talking schedules, it came out again, I really just don't know how some people do the schedules they set up for themselves. In the world of busy kids and other lives, when do you enjoy the family and just time sitting around.  But then again I know there are people out there when our schedule begins that thinks the same as us, they just aren't as blunt as I am about it. There are times when we are busy and I start feeling like a single parent and get frustrated. Then I look at my single mom friends and think they are actually doing this and doing it well. I know we are all different and we all are happy with different ways of life but sometimes I let my mouth drop and my eyes pop wondering how and why they do it. But thankful for me the few people that my judgy eyes do prey upon either call me out on it or know that its not them I am judging but know for a fact that I couldn't be strong enough to deal with the life they have chosen.  

I Like Writing:: True Love

True Love.
I love seeing true love.
Yesterday our family laid a great man to rest.
Within the eulogy his kids wrote their favorite things of him and his favorite things.
The man of the day, stated once he wouldn't be able to live without his wife.
His children are thankful he didn't need to.
He is currently in heaven with other relatives and we are rejoicing that he is no longer in pain.
His true love is now on her own to find life without him.
She will be reunited with him one day.
God's love is precious.
God's path for us is unwavering.
God's knowledge of what we can do and how much we can be pushed.
True Love.


Is it selfish that the whole time my pastor was speaking about the love of this couple, that I couldn't help but think of my marriage? I kept sneaking glances of my handsome husband in his suit. I kept thinking of the 15 years we've been together and how strong we are together. I kept thinking, what would I do if God forbid I need to continue life without him. I thanked God for bringing him into my life when he did, when I was ready to meet someone, when I was ready to accept that he was what I needed. As we have conquered our first year of marriage, which they say is the hardest year. We have worked together to tackle school, kids, and busy schedules. I've had him in my life for 15 years, does he think of me the same as I do as him? Thankful. Thankful that I like my husband. Thankful that my friend is also my companion. Thankful that my soul lies within him.

Yesterday was an example of that. We are surrounded by strong marriages. We are surrounded by a strong family. We are surrounded by love that lasts through bad, good, and everything in between. The love of the marriage that went through 40 plus years, many ups and downs, and yet through it all, their love of God and their children that their love will continue.

I am thankful that I have found my person. I am thankful that during times of sorrow like yesterday, that he will grab my hand and look at me with love. Yesterday he made my heart melt when he grabbed my hand, smiled, and told me not to judge him as he ate another piece of pie. Little moments like that, I hope my children see so that when we go to be in heaven with those before us, that love kept us going, through the hard and terrible times life throws at us to those that we are laughing and giggling the night away.

True Love.

I like to Write:: Small Talk

I am so bad at small talk. I think today did it for me. It really brought it up to my face and yelled at me. Someone tried to talk to me and I just wasn't in the mood and I had answers for the questions but didn't continue the conversation. I didn't even try. Sometimes the whole fake thing gets on my nerves. I don't talk to you any other time why would I talk to you now? Now because we are in the same space. I am pretty happy with silence. Sometimes it is welcomed.
I guess I am bad at it because I don't see the point in it. I talk with a purpose, whether that purpose be to tell you something, ask you something, be nosy, or simply need something. If I am spoken to and I don't see any point in the conversation continuing I will politely answer the question or comment on whatever the subject is about, then I will just move on. I don't think this is rude. Other do. Others take offense to this. Others see this as being brushed off or maybe me being mean to them. No you may not be in the circle that I want to talk to about life or anything deep but we can certainly talk about the weather, kids, or maybe work a little. Although work is difficult because I have a difficult job. 
Small talk to me is just a filler for uncomfortable silence. Silence is uncomfortable as it may for the other person, isn't for me. I usually have a 100000000 random things on my mind, our home schedule, or thinking about an application that needs to be taken care of at work. Yep, while we are sitting next to each other and I am staring off into the distance, you are not bothering me, I might actually on a Saturday or Sunday be thinking about a military dude that is pushing my buttons with the paperwork he sent to me. Or maybe the thousand directions I am pushed during the day with our busy schedules, but I am not thinking 'man this person is horrible or why is this person sitting next to me trying to talk'. 
It's just small talk, and I am bad at it. If you want it to continue, please talk, engage, ask questions, I will follow through but I am horrible at follow up questions, I am horrible at making the conversation continue if I am just not in the mood. People overload is a big thing to me. If I have had a day or a few days that I am surrounded by people, I will slowly shutdown, waiting for my quiet time. I will begin thinking of bedtime and how quiet it will be without anyone around me. But today, today I was not in the mood. Until that is a conversation kept my attention and the people I was engaged with talked about subjects I was interested in and I was interested in doing the follow up and continuance of the conversation.
We are human, we are creatures of habit. I know who my people are and who my people aren't. And especially, if I feel I cannot trust you with what I say, I won't say much. And maybe today I felt like I couldn't trust this person with what I say. Maybe I felt like everything I say is taken the wrong way and I end up offending this person because we are not cut from the same cloth. Some of us enjoy life with others that don't always agree and some of us cannot hang with those with other sights of life. So maybe to keep myself from engaging to say something that might be taken wrong, I just kept my mouth shut. 
But small talk, I have never been good at small talk and sometimes am taken as rude. Please don't take those of us that just don't want to be fake as rude. Take us as honest people, as people that won't fake our way through life. Because sometimes you just don't feel like being around people. Sometimes the fake conversations of the weather and work are a lot of work. When a relationship is exhausting, then it probably isn't the relationship for you.